Neurodiverse children commonly face challenges with emotional regulation, executive functioning, self-esteem and belonging – all of which can be further impacted by divorce, affecting their sense of connection and belonging. Here, in the first instalment of an online series about different categories of mental health and the impact they have on children and parents, we hear from two Hong Kong-based experts on the topic. They discuss how to navigate the effects of divorce on a family and, more specifically, parenting a neurodivergent child through a separation.
DR QURATULAIN ZAIDI is a British-registered clinical psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families in a private practice in Central
What is neurodiversity in children? Give us some examples of the developmental differences it can lead to.
From my perspective, how I understand and explain neurodiversity is about recognising that each of us has our own unique way of processing the world, and that’s perfectly fine. We know that no two brains are identical – and this has been my experience in my practice. Neurodiversity emphasises that each human being is unique; it focuses on the differences in how our brains function. It’s about the idea that, “Primarily I am different, not less.
There is a spectrum of related neurological differences; instead of viewing neurodiversity as a range of deficits, it’s more accurate to see it as a spectrum of differences, encompassing various challenges related to emotional regulation, executive functioning, self-esteem, and a sense of connection and belonging.
With this in mind, it’s essential not to pigeonhole children based on textbook definitions but to understand their individuality. When discussing autism, for example, I prefer to use the alternative term “Autism Spectrum Condition” (ASC); this moves away from the notion of a “disorder” and the tendency to highlight areas of difficulty, and instead focuses on individual differences and what makes each person unique.
Are there specific things parents of a neurodivergent child need to consider when it comes to a breakdown of a relationship and potential separation?
Divorce can be a particularly challenging experience, especially for those who are neurodiverse. Common symptoms include anxiety, control issues, trauma responses, and social and academic difficulties, leading to low self-esteem and a hyper vigilant state.
Parents need to be aware of these challenges and understand that the way they manage their conflict in a divorce can exacerbate them, threatening a child’s sense of wellbeing, happiness and autonomy. Suddenly, the sense of security and control that children have feels threatened, leading to heightened emotions and changes in behaviour.
Catastrophising is a common response to divorce, with children often fearing that the situation will be horrendous. Research indicates that divorce itself doesn’t necessarily impact children’s happiness, but children may perceive it differently, leading to emotional distress. For instance, magical thinking may lead them to believe that their behaviour could influence their parents getting back together.
It’s also very important to highlight that neurodiverse individuals are more prone to rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD); because of this, their parents divorce can exacerbate challenges to emotional regulation and a sense of belonging. As a result, children may struggle to differentiate between minor problems and significant threats, leading to defiance and anger. Emotional intensity tends to be amplified in a neurodivergent child, too; boys may exhibit explosive anger, for example, while girls may internalise their emotions to a point that it leads to eating disorders or self-harming.
What are some strategies that can help neurodiverse children as they experience the effects of divorce on a family?
Maintaining familiar routines and providing massive reassurance of unconditional love are crucial post their parents divorce, especially for a neurodivergent child who thrives on predictability. Ideally, there should be an agreed consistent parenting approach, focusing on shared values and limit setting rather than identical rules in each household. However, if consistency isn’t possible, explaining the reasoning behind limit setting and seeking collaborative solutions is essential, respecting the autonomy of neurodiverse children.
In cases of acrimonious divorces, it’s imperative not to involve children in the conflict or engage in parental alienation tactics. Careful communication is needed, considering the developmental age of the child. What’s more, preserving one’s own resilience through self-care is also paramount; if your reserves are running low, it’s hard to be present for others. So it’s important to focus on strengthening your own nervous system, which is vital for coping with the difficulties of divorce, both for yourself and for supporting the wellbeing of the children involved.
Is there specialised support available for neurodiverse children in emotionally complex situations like parents quarrelling and/or separating?
Yes, and seeking support from trained and experienced professionals and therapists specialising in emotional regulation techniques can be beneficial in navigating the challenges of divorce, especially when dealing with coercive behaviours from a former partner.
What about for the parents – what kinds of resources are available?
Professional help is available, but I cannot emphasise enough that it’s important to choose experienced trained professionals who will not feed the adversarial process. Co-parenting courses are another route worth exploring, and there are also some very good books on the topic.
VANESSA DUFF is a specialist family/divorce lawyer and Partner at Charles Russell Speechlys LLP
What common conflicts arise with parents of neurodiverse children?
# Getting a diagnosis
Many parents are prepared to accept their child may be neurodiverse, and willing to secure a proper diagnosis. Others can be more reluctant – for example, if the child’s behaviours don’t significantly impact their day-to-day life, or there are concerns about the social impact (on the parent or the child) of a diagnosis. There may also be anxiety about the consequences of a diagnosis, and particularly the risk that it may be ‘used’ by one parent in divorce proceedings to allege the other is a bad parent or did not ‘identify it’ soon enough or isn’t ‘capable’ of properly caring for a neurodivergent child.
When there are divorce proceedings, disputes can arise between the parents about whether to seek a formal diagnosis or assessment for a child; and, if so, which expert should perform the assessment. Who should pay for the assessment (and any ongoing treatment) may also be an issue – one parent may lack the ability or willingness to fund treatment for the child going forward.
# Educational decisions
Neurodiverse children can often require additional educational support. Parents may disagree as to which type of educational setting is most appropriate – for example, mainstream education, specialist schools specifically catered to the child’s needs, or homeschooling. Further disputes may arise over the need for and provision of educational support services, tutoring or accommodations.
# Medical treatment
Disagreements can also arise over the choice of healthcare providers, the frequency of therapy or the use of particular medication. The timing of therapy can also be important where parents are separated as a parent who perhaps only sees their child every other weekend may not want ‘their time’ with the child broken up with a therapy session.
# Financial aspects
Costs associated with a neurodivergent child can be significant and disputes may arise over who should bear this cost.
# Custody and living arrangements
When parents physically separate, determining where the child will live and how much time they will spend with the other parent can be contentious. A neurodivergent child’s need for stability and routine often plays a significant role in these decisions. Living arrangements may also have an impact on the child maintenance payable by one parent, and that can sometimes create conflict.
# Future care and guardianship
Parents may disagree on plans for the child’s future, including long-term care, guardianship and financial planning for adulthood, especially in cases where the child may not be able to live independently in the future, or may not be able to make sound decisions about their own care or finances.
What legal recourse is there when disputes arise and parents can’t see eye to eye?
It is often recommended that parents first consider attending mediation. A third-party mediator may be able to assist parents in reaching an agreement in a cooperative manner, and more quickly than through a court process, with the focus being on the child. Child-inclusive mediation may also be useful, where the specialist mediator also meets with the child.
If the dispute cannot be resolved this way, a parent can apply to the court for an order. This might be in relation to custody, care and control and access to the child, as well as more specific matters such as schooling, learning support/therapy and medical treatment. Orders can also be made regarding the payment of child maintenance, school fees, private medical treatment and for learning support.
Custody refers to the right to make important decisions about the child’s upbringing; joint custody is very common and this requires both parents to cooperate on important decisions regarding the child’s welfare. It would be unusual, even with a neurodivergent child, for an order for sole custody to be made, unless the parents are unable to agree on even the simplest of matters, and this was having a negative impact on the child.
The parent seeking an order would typically file an application with the Family Court, and the court process would involve the appointment of a social welfare officer to make recommendations in relation to the matter in dispute. Additional expert reports may be needed to consider the suitability of different educational options and possible psychological or other support for the child. In most cases, such reports are prepared by ‘single joint experts’ who are appointed by the parents on a joint basis. It is important to identify an individual who has expertise in dealing with neurodiverse children.
In any legal proceedings, the court’s primary consideration will be the best interests of the child. The court will consider a range of factors, including the child’s own views (depending on age and understanding), their physical, emotional and educational needs, their age, sex and background, the ability of each parent to meet the child’s needs and the likely effect of any change in the child’s circumstances.
How can parents ensure there is a consistency in the care arrangements for their children?
Parents should agree on a parenting plan that outlines care arrangements covering matters such as mealtimes, bedtimes, homework, additional support, approaches to discipline, indirect access to the other parent, introduction of new care-givers and so on. It’s also important that parents agree on when and how to introduce any new partners to the child as this can have a very destabilising effect, especially with neurodivergent children.
Parents may also want to consider a diary which follows the child as they move between homes, and in which they note down key matters relating to the child when they are with them. For example, if a child is unwell or has struggled with a particular piece of homework, this can be recorded so that the other parent knows what has happened in the other home and is better equipped to support the child.
In some cases, a parenting coordinator can be appointed to assist parents with decision-making and implementation of court orders to resolve disputes. This is a third-party, impartial, trained co-ordinator who is authorised to make simple decisions on matters within a specific remit formally agreed by the parties.
How can shared care reduce or increase the effects of divorce on a family?
Shared care is often seen as beneficial for a child’s development and wellbeing as both parents are actively involved in the day-to-day of the child’s life. However, this may not be the case for neurodiverse children where consistency and routine are crucial to their sense of security and ability to thrive.
Both parents need a good understanding of the child’s condition and wellbeing, and must be willing to follow recommended parenting strategies and medication. If the approach of each parent is very different, and they are unwilling or unable to accommodate the child’s needs, a court may consider that it is better for the child to have one primary carer who can ensure stability for the child.
Parents should also consider whether they have time and resources to cater for their child’s condition. A parent who regularly travels abroad for work may practically not be able to share their child’s care in the way which is best for the child.
Consideration of each parent’s own emotional stability may also be necessary in any assessment of care. A parent who, for example, has a dependency on alcohol or drugs, or a violent temperament may not be capable of caring for a neurodivergent child, or any access may need to be supervised. A court may also order a psychological report be undertaken on the parents, to determine their suitability as carers.
Some neurodiverse children may find it distressing and disorienting to live in two homes. The practical arrangements must ensure transitions do not disrupt the child’s need for a stable routine – the distance between homes must also be logistically practical to avoid further disruption. Ease of access to educational support, healthcare and other services from each household has to be considered, as the child’s needs must be met consistently across both homes.
The impact on siblings must also be considered and the needs of the whole family balanced. While the court will generally avoid separating siblings, a judge will consider what is best for both children carefully and individually.
Advice should be sought from legal professionals and other specialists who understand the needs of a neurodivergent child to help the parents make an informed decision as to care arrangements. A child’s own needs, temperament and preferences should be central to any custody or care decision.
Get in touch
Dr Quratulain Zaidi
WhatsApp 9700 2786 | mindnlife.com
Vanessa Duff
2531 3438 | charlesrussellspeechlys.com
Parts of this article about the effects of divorce on a family and how neurodiverse children may find their parents’ divorce difficult first appeared in the Summer 2024 issue of Expat Living magazine. Subscribe now so you never miss an issue!
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