In this latest instalment of Expat Living’s regular Parting Shot series, where our readers share their stories, LANA FED reflects on the struggles found in a life transformation – and the joy of learning new skills along the way.
On every corner you are promised a new beginning, a new skill and a new life transformation. According to the ads, in just thirty days you can learn how to do the splits or a headstand, write a book, learn Korean, save your marriage … and maybe even save the world.
I believe transformations are indeed possible.
However, they take time. Sometimes a long time.
Asia truly has become a place of transformation for me. But it didn’t happen in 30 days. It is ongoing and it is taking much, much longer. I arrived here feeling like a cocoon of reinvention, ready to become a butterfly, a new me. One month went by, two months, three, and my dreams were still not emerging. Inside the cocoon I was wriggling and writhing, but remained a (somewhat stressed) caterpillar.
For the first time in 16 years I was having a career break. If I ever wanted to change my life, this was the time. But it took me over a year to figure out what I want – to understand what my passions are, in which direction to move. Should I study something? Should I look for a job? Maybe I should I try to be better at what I had been doing before (in financial markets). Should I pursue what brings me joy?
During the pandemic, I had started painting. And it turned out to be incredibly therapeutic. I also enjoy writing. Expressing myself and trying to make sense of the world is what I like to do. I took a few art classes but I felt I wanted a bigger goal. It was a deduction method and a lot of trial and error but I finally plucked up the courage to apply for a master’s programme, which seemed perfect for me.
During that same period, I also gained a significant amount of weight. So I waged a war against my extra pounds. But they just wouldn’t budge. I tried Noom, bootcamps, tennis, biking, walking. I was eating whole-food homemade meals. But to no avail. I did blood tests and took supplements and tried acupuncture. Not much progress.
Maybe my fat represented my sadness. It was the pain and the numbing and the self-neglect that now manifested externally. It was as if the toxic feelings leaked out and were hanging on the outside, cushioning me from this world that can be unsafe. Facing weight loss was facing my other fears and other aspects of my relationship with myself and with food. Any hint at deprivation or pain made me want to rebel or avoid.
And yet I was not happy to accept the current state of affairs so I kept trying. Maybe it was the therapy, maybe the personal trainer, maybe the supplements, or maybe I just got happier, but slowly my body transformed and eventually returned to its healthy shape.
My non-physical transformation is just beginning. At 38 years of age, I have been accepted into MA Art Therapy. It combines my two biggest interests – art and psychology – and it promises to be an incredible journey of discovery. I hope to learn a lot about myself but also to grow towards being able to help other people. I wonder what will be the butterfly effect of me saying “yes” to this…
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